emotionally unavailable?

What does it mean to be emotional unavailable? These two words sounds so simple when you say it but I'm sure it has hidden meanings. I claim to be emotionally unavailable but what does that say about me? Does it mean that I do this in a relationship or is it the case in my entire life, do I do it with me daugther? Its all so confusing. Are you able to love your daugther but be emotionally unavailable in a relationship? This just sounds like utter crap. Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to put my life on hold...My friend has a wedding coming up later this year. I envy her for finding the love of her life and going on to the next step. I'm tired of being in LIMBO. It sucks. Career is more important I always say. You need to focus. Look after your daugther and study, study, study. You shouldnt need another person to fulfill you. What crap!!! I don't know what I am talking about these days. Its just random statements to guard my heart. It feels like I have being gaurding my heart my entire life.  

Emotions

There is an unwritten rule that says that women seek out men that are emotional. They want to be with men that are able to show their emotions. Now why is it, that when you do find that person the emotional side of him can become to overwhelming. I guess men and women are made to be different. Women are supposed to have all the emotion and men think logical. It seems like in this day and age things are getting jumbled up and these roles are reversed. Is this a good thing? My recent experience says that people have unrealistic expectations. I got what I was looking for all my life and gave it away because I couldnt handle it. Am I scared of my own emotions? Or am I not able to seize the momen and be happy? Steve Harvey explains all the fundementals in one of his books. Its so wierd how people can analise a certain sex because they think they know. I am a women so I am supposed to know kind of bullshit. That does not work. Human beings act differently because we were given a mind, with thoughts and we process these thoughts in different ways. So I guess what I'm saying is that we as a gender have unrealistic expectations. Till Later......

Hope and endless posibilities

There is a song that Alanis Morissette sings that goes like this:
You live
You learn
You love
You learn
You cry
You learn
You lose
You learn
This song speaks to me. It tells me that with hope there is nothing in this world that can not be achieved. Life is a cycle of events that brings us closer to the things that we would like to achieve, the person that we want to be and the person that will steal your heart. We are given these opportunities in many forms and when it arrives we will know. I will know when he arrives, the man of my dreams. He will be charming and sexy, intelligent and soft hearted. Live shows us endless posibilities to become greater than we are and more forgiving, more loving, more caring. More of everything that makes us human. Our mistakes and our accomplishments. If we give up we shall never learn.

Love and all its bullshit*%&@%^*^

I feel so frustrated today. How do you convince someone that you care for them. I can't tel him I love him if I don't mean it. It would be unfair to both of us. I just need a break from my life and the opportunity to step into the stupid fairy tale with its stupid endings. I never get it. Why the hell do people make love stories that end happily when the real thing is so kak! There is never really happiness and that feeling of bliss you get when you just watch the damn movie. Real life is just a cycle of complicated scenarios that lead you further away from being happy. They should make away with these stupid love stories and romantic love stories that we endlessly read to tell us what true love is about. They should tell the truth and warn everyone that loving someone is fucking hard work. Its like another job in itself. Its conflict management at every turn. Its like a board game where someone eventually ends up being the winner and the other person the loser. I'm sick of the idealistic bulshit and I would just like to be able to lose all my inhibitions without calculating whether the end result is going to be favourable for one party. Is this unfair of me? Is it? Well I dont give a FUCK!

Intimacy...

Intimacy. A word used too often to my liking. It seems like people are not sure what the word means. I dont think I know either. Everyone wants intimacy in their lives but what will it look like when you do receive it? Will it be in the form of a feeling or a gesture. Some people confuse it with having sex or being sexual. In some form this could be part of it but I dont think that it boils down to sex. It seems as though intimacy and love are equally hard to describe. In some weird way it makes me feel as though I dont know what I am looking for. How would you know you received it if you dont know what you are looking for. Unlike love, intimacy is more than just a feeling. Or maybe I'm just way off the mark and it boils down to something simple that has happened to me before but that I am not able to see through my many expectations of the word. Later...

Love?

Love, this feeling that people have cried over and died over. I simply dont understand the whole concept of love. I'm told that it is suppost to be all consuming and that falling inlove is great. If that is the case then I am probably going to miserable forever. I recently met someone that I think is great, however this love story is sitting like a huge rock on my shoulder. What am I supposed to do if I never fall inlove with this guy? Is there something wrong with me that makes me become sterile when faced with a remotely romantic relationship. I hate this feeling. Its a feeling of constant dissapointment at the idea of not being able to reciprocate someone's feelings. Maybe I am overthinking it a bit and I should just let life take its course. I have a daugther, how will I teach her about love if I cant even explain the feeling. I'm talking about heartpounding, soulsearching love (like they show us in the movies). Does that even exist? I really have my doubts. I need someone to prove me wrong or maybe I should prove me wrong, whichever of the two comes first.

My mom once told me that life is about taking a risk, as is love. I dont want to end up regretting the choices I made. What if? I always ask this. I never live in the moment, my body may be there but my mind is ten steps ahead trying to practice my mathematics skills - frantically calculating whether something will have the desired effect. My calculations are always wrong. So, why do you ask? Why would she persist with the same behaviour expecting a different result, someone once said its the definition of stupidity...Wow, that is rich. A stupid girl that does not know how to love. Classic, I should write a book about this. I could make alot of money from fellow stupid females such as myself that will probably end up reading the damn book. How pathetic.

So many people write about this wonderful topic in romance novels and such. I wonder if these people even have love in their lives or are they just yearning as I am? Yearning for what exactly. I have no clue. this wonderful feeling is just leaving me very confused. Till later.....

Why I created the blog......

In all my years growing up I have never found a platform to share my ideas surrounding issues that really had a huge impact on my daily life. I guess I thought that I would be able to share it with someone. A diary was not really my forte and I always thought that it was a security risk for those snoopy parents. Now that I am older and more confident with myself I really dont care who reads what I have to say. Even the experts have their own opinions and very rarlely you find what they say is relevant to your current or past experience. Anyway, I decided to do a blog. This way I get to talk to myself in a non-freaky kind of way...