Intimacy...

Intimacy. A word used too often to my liking. It seems like people are not sure what the word means. I dont think I know either. Everyone wants intimacy in their lives but what will it look like when you do receive it? Will it be in the form of a feeling or a gesture. Some people confuse it with having sex or being sexual. In some form this could be part of it but I dont think that it boils down to sex. It seems as though intimacy and love are equally hard to describe. In some weird way it makes me feel as though I dont know what I am looking for. How would you know you received it if you dont know what you are looking for. Unlike love, intimacy is more than just a feeling. Or maybe I'm just way off the mark and it boils down to something simple that has happened to me before but that I am not able to see through my many expectations of the word. Later...

Love?

Love, this feeling that people have cried over and died over. I simply dont understand the whole concept of love. I'm told that it is suppost to be all consuming and that falling inlove is great. If that is the case then I am probably going to miserable forever. I recently met someone that I think is great, however this love story is sitting like a huge rock on my shoulder. What am I supposed to do if I never fall inlove with this guy? Is there something wrong with me that makes me become sterile when faced with a remotely romantic relationship. I hate this feeling. Its a feeling of constant dissapointment at the idea of not being able to reciprocate someone's feelings. Maybe I am overthinking it a bit and I should just let life take its course. I have a daugther, how will I teach her about love if I cant even explain the feeling. I'm talking about heartpounding, soulsearching love (like they show us in the movies). Does that even exist? I really have my doubts. I need someone to prove me wrong or maybe I should prove me wrong, whichever of the two comes first.

My mom once told me that life is about taking a risk, as is love. I dont want to end up regretting the choices I made. What if? I always ask this. I never live in the moment, my body may be there but my mind is ten steps ahead trying to practice my mathematics skills - frantically calculating whether something will have the desired effect. My calculations are always wrong. So, why do you ask? Why would she persist with the same behaviour expecting a different result, someone once said its the definition of stupidity...Wow, that is rich. A stupid girl that does not know how to love. Classic, I should write a book about this. I could make alot of money from fellow stupid females such as myself that will probably end up reading the damn book. How pathetic.

So many people write about this wonderful topic in romance novels and such. I wonder if these people even have love in their lives or are they just yearning as I am? Yearning for what exactly. I have no clue. this wonderful feeling is just leaving me very confused. Till later.....

Why I created the blog......

In all my years growing up I have never found a platform to share my ideas surrounding issues that really had a huge impact on my daily life. I guess I thought that I would be able to share it with someone. A diary was not really my forte and I always thought that it was a security risk for those snoopy parents. Now that I am older and more confident with myself I really dont care who reads what I have to say. Even the experts have their own opinions and very rarlely you find what they say is relevant to your current or past experience. Anyway, I decided to do a blog. This way I get to talk to myself in a non-freaky kind of way...